“Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.”
That is my latest fortune cookie message. I taped it to my laptop because it is a wise and patient message about directing your energy. Keep moving forward, and don’t worry so much about the speed. Focus more on every right action you take. Life is hard and I think we all need little fortune cookie messages to get through sometimes. A while ago when I was learning how to pace myself in life, I wrote my own little fortune cookie message that I would repeat whenever I felt tension or conflict.
“Be calm, be steady. Don’t rush, don’t quit.”
This is something I’ve had to teach myself. One of my biggest struggles in early adulthood was making decisions. Not knowing what to do or where to go isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I think it means that there is a lot about yourself you just don’t know yet. I had a very hard time knowing what to do after high school. I was very unsure about where to go to college, what to study in college, and what to commit my life to. It would have been easier to admit that I’m still growing and that I don’t know myself well enough yet as an adult to know exactly where to go. My parents wanted me to be successful and feared that if I didn’t go to college right after graduation, I would never be successful or make any money. So, I was rushed. I was rushed into making decisions for decision’s sake.
My father raised me well. He taught me the importance of hard work. He encouraged me to never give up and to fight for what I believe in. I don’t know who I would be without his influence. My mother raised me to be strong. She taught me the principles of how to care for a household and a family. She never let me give up either. Her example taught me about details, organization, and love. I will always hold on to the good things they taught me. Personally, I honor my parents by choosing a path that produces goodness and creates the best version of myself.
Looking back now, I understand that there was an imbalance of control in our household. I felt like there was a lack of trust in me. My parents are very opinionated and stubborn. With such strong personality traits, I had a hard time expressing myself to them. My father struggled with control and my mother lacked patience during the journey of growth that was necessary for me. Together, they produced an environment where making my own decisions was difficult and heavily criticized. We had a reputation to live up to. Everyone I knew treated my parents like royalty, and for some reason our family was the ultimate example of a perfect family. At church, people spoke about my parents very well and I was proud of that as a kid. Later in life when deep family secrets came out, I began to question everything my parents ever said to me.
I ask myself now why I had to learn how to trust myself. Isn’t that something we should already know how to do? Not necessarily. It’s a learned behavior and stems from an understanding of who we are as individuals. I think parental relationships can influence this quite a bit because I’ve experienced this personally. Now that the family secrets and lies are known and in the open among our family, I can see that my parents didn’t know who they were all those years ago. They were still growing, maturing, and learning about life. An unfortunate event occurred, they didn’t trust themselves, then they didn’t trust each other, and it’s been like that ever since. That is exactly where my mistrust comes from: Inconsistent behavior and consistent bad behavior. If they didn’t trust themselves, how was I supposed to know how to trust myself?
I think it’s important to address the moments our parents hurt us. In those moments our trust in them is shaken. It is completely acceptable to acknowledge a wrong committed against you. I think parents need to also learn when to ask for forgiveness because the injury they can cause a child can last a lifetime, especially when it is never mended. We learn trust in the home. Shouldn’t honesty and respect be expected? What is a home without it? Our introduction to trust is with our own family, but no family is perfect. So somewhere along the way, we have to learn how to trust ourselves.
A great place to start is by learning about who you are and spending time with yourself. You can do this by taking time out of your day to prioritize you and what’s most important to you. It’s like a date, but with yourself. It can be a great time if I do say so myself. It feels good to do what makes you happy. It also feels good to discover things about yourself you may not have known before. There’s a whole world inside of you just waiting to come out! During these intentional moments, you are igniting creative ideas. You are mending holes inside of you. You are learning about your intentions. You are learning about what motivates you. You are addressing your fears. You are dissecting your thoughts, recalling memories, and learning lessons from them. You are feeling emotions. You are asking questions and being honest with yourself. These are moments alone, needed and necessary so that you can grow. Before you know it, you are beginning to heal because soon enough you will find something about you that you love. You will begin to understand what your emotions are telling you. You will learn discernment. Then you will feel confident and find reasons to trust yourself. You will understand why you do what you do and it will make sense to trust your intuition before another's.
Trust is so fragile. Trust is so powerful. Trust can build kingdoms and lifelong friendships. Trust should be treated like a delicacy. Trust sets up a foundation for love. Trust is like an anchor that holds a ship in aggressive seas. Trust is like an umbrella when it’s raining. Trust provides a place of rest and peace. Trust allows you to be unwavering. Trust is a valuable strength.
Take the time to cultivate trust in you. Address your emotions. Find out what they mean and what they are trying to tell you. Then be still. Be calm, be steady. Don’t rush…and don’t quit.
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