Do You Love You?

When was the last time you thought about you?

Lately, I’ve been thinking about why it took me so long to finally begin creating the life I want. Now that I am finally starting to do what makes me happy, I also wonder what took me so long to get here in the first place. I have this saying I tell myself: A lot can happen in a year. Every time I feel discouraged, that is what I tell myself. Why? Because the decisions I made a year prior to this one are the very reasons why I am here writing this blog. Where I am at this very moment is a reminder of a sacrifice I made so that I could begin doing what is best for me. I walked away from a relationship and a life that meant everything to me. It was the farthest thing from easy...For the first time in my life, I decided to put myself first. I packed everything I owned into my car and drove half-way across the U.S. in three days to get back home. I ended my pursuit of a nursing degree I never really wanted in the first place, and cut ties with people who were very close to me but toxic in my life. Although this journey of self-love has been lifelong, this is the moment where I hit my rock bottom.

This circumstance produced a pain that I had never experienced before. It exposed a wound I never would have seen any other way. My emotional distress kept me from eating, sleeping, and breathing normally at nighttime...anxiety, you know how that goes. I couldn’t control my thoughts which made it extremely difficult to control my actions. All that was left of me was a deep sorrow. As painful as it was, I don't regret my mistake because it revealed a distorted self-belief that had been buried deep inside my mind. All along, this distortion was creating a sickness in me, an unhealthy thought process that compromises the importance of self.

I found my biggest flaw: Lack of self-love and self-respect.

With this understanding, I also learned a life-changing lesson: The person you should love the most is you. Someone once told me that ignorance can kill you. Growing up, I was taught how to love and serve others, but I never learned to prioritize how to love myself. What a destructive ignorance, wouldn't you agree?

I think I was taught about love out of order.

So, once I found the end of myself, I knew I had to begin again. I needed to wipe my slate clean and start over. That marks the beginning of me addressing my relationship with me. I dedicated one year to myself. After all the years of working so hard to love others and live up to other’s expectations, I figured I deserve at least one year to do what is best for me. Every decision I made I accounted for myself. I asked, “Do I want this? Is this good for me? Is this what I’m about?” After dedicating time to myself, I found the courage to act on my desires.

I never really wanted to go to college because college didn’t offer me what I was looking for. So instead, I gained some confidence, stopped taking classes and decided to pay off my student loans. I did so successfully in one year! I decided to start writing again because that is all I ever wanted to do. I put on a pretty skirt, drove to Starbucks, opened a word document, and began typing away. I spent a couple hours there writing whatever came to my mind. I found so much peace and joy in that moment. As I continued to make decisions based on my heart’s desire, healing began to clothe me, confidence started to grow, and I began learning how to trust myself. I think that’s when I started to glow again.

Now I ask you, when was the last time you thought about your relationship with yourself? Everyone has some kind of struggle they are dealing with. If you don’t know where to start, a great place to start is with you. Take some time out of your day to simply be quiet. Close your eyes and breathe and allow yourself to be calm. Blend in with your surroundings. Turn off the tv, watch one less Netflix episode, and instead take a few minutes to look at yourself in the mirror. Take a few minutes to feel. Take a few more minutes to address the thoughts that cross your mind. Gently ask yourself, "Am I ok? What am I doing?" Begin a conversation with yourself. It can feel uncomfortable doing these things for the first time. Give yourself a chance and be patient. Re-establish your relationship with you. Soon enough you will begin to value who you are more and more. The more you love you, the more you will believe you can change. The more you love you, the more successful you can become. The more you love you, the more you will love your life. On this journey when you feel discouraged, just remember a lot can happen in a year. So to begin, grab a pencil and a piece of paper, write down today's date and start this conversation. You must ask yourself, "Do you love you?"